A sampling of my yarn collection
I had a good session yesterday with me therapist. My appointment couldn’t have come at a better time. I had been watching myself sink for days. I was all over the place talking about the what, and she helped me understand the feelings or the why.
I don’t actually remember what moment I had, but I left and immediately took care of some stuff I had been putting off. I went to bed early and got up early ready for the day. I worked on my painting. I cleaned up some. Now I feel back to normal.
I’m glad that I have more of an awareness of when I am slipping one way or the other. I did some serious online shopping today – but didn’t check out. I love shopping therapy. About 15 years ago I would go to Eckerds (read CVS or Walgreens) and spend about $50 on whatever. Nail polish, puzzle book, magazine, as-seen-on-TV crap, anything I wanted. I have had periods of obsession when I need to buy them all, videos, books, shoes. My current obsession is yarn and knitting. Since my diagnosis I have had more control just by being aware of what the money spending obsession means.
Today I really wanted a new personal vaporizer. Mine wasn’t working as well, and I convinced myself that I needed a bigger one. I had visited a store last week and shopped around, but left with just e-juice (banana nilla pudding – yum). I shopped online for a long time today, and drove by a shop this evening – thankfully it was closed. I came home and tried to puff on my e-cig with poor results, but realized that my light colored juice was turning brown. My atomizer was burnt out. I changed it out after dinner for a new one I had on hand, and presto! Its like a brand new vaporizer. I realize now that my atomizers last about two weeks. They aren’t expensive, under 5 bucks – a lot less than a brand new toy.
It is still hard to convince myself that I can’t buy happiness. I watched three shows tonight about other people who are buried in it – Toy Hunter, Hoarders, and My Crazy Obsession. These people dedicate time, serious cash, and space to their obsessions. They cannot part with their things that they have collected and spend hours every week finding more. One part of me wants to be one of these people (well not a hoarder), but most of me does not want that life. Maybe I am in denial – I do have a room in our home dedicated to yarn, sewing, and all the other stuff I have gathered. My mother always had her sewing room, and is a self-described ‘pack rat’, so I don’t think it is odd. Many women have a sewing room or craft room if they have the space for it. Some people would call it their studio or study – even a ‘man-cave’.
Obsession is a manic symptom – it can be controlled. Even depression can be described as obsession with the negative. Obsessing on self-hate and thinking of only the bad things. Obsession can be beneficial when it is creative, but can also lead to debt and seclusion. Balance is the key, and by definition being obsessed is being out of balance.
Six Sox 